If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries