Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You Might Also Like
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
we’re gonna need another temp
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My plans: 2020:
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is