Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
*seductively eats two tums*
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some