I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
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Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I’m going to need a moment here.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Cinematography is my passion
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.