If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…