The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists