When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
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My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.