Roses are red
Violets are blue
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy