I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
You Might Also Like
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room