*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.