My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
secret recipe
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair