People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
But is it really??
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg