Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
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My beach vacation Google searches
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.