BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.