Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
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I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My dryer is celebrating lint.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”