They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
You Might Also Like
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever