I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
You Might Also Like
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area