I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*