Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
tell em, edith-anne
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.