I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You Might Also Like
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!