My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper