[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
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1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
it is time once again
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.