so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.