Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.