Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Bread puns are on the rise!
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards