Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Don’t forget to tip your server
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok