If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?