me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Taliband
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Not today, today.
Not today.