INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
For the ones in the back.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO