son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Love it! 👍😂
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Happy Friday
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”