Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me My dog
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.