I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Our lord and savoury.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool