If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”