[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
You Might Also Like
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”