Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Received some very disappointing news today
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.