Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
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i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Remember folks 😂
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!