ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-