Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no