It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Oh my God.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
😩😩😩
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?