I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?