Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.