I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks