basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
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With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Art by Pastelkatto
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
The days of good grammer has went
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.