You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.