What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
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No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*