spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
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My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
*cough*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )