Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
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Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target