never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Bed should get ready for ME
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]