I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
You Might Also Like
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?