I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.